in 2007 I was diagnosed with Bipolar. The meds they gave me were wrong for me and I gave up on them for nearly a decade. In 2017 I went back and tried again.
There are no words for the difference and transformation I went through. Before I was a half a person where now I am almost whole. Sometimes I like to think of the bipolar like a black sluge stuck inside my head and the medicine.
It is not perfect but its 70 percent better. It is always going to be there like a dark passenger, the meds just gave me the tools to fight.
I currently take Zoloft, lithium and hydroxozyn with very little side effects. Because I am ridiculously lucky I found the right combination on the third try.
“I NEVER HAVE TO FEEL WORTHLESS AGAIN”
The meds turn down the volume on all the bad emotions. And one of the worst emotions I have ever felt was worthless. I remember think at the chart of me taking meds, don’t get fooled it will come back. Now it has been two and a half years and I have never felt that pit of darkness since.
I don’t have a desire to drink anymore. I have the occasional drink on my birthday and New Years eve. But I just don’t care to get f**Ked up anymore. I drank more than I care to admit in my younger days. And during that time the thought of quitting drinking was like death to me. I was trying to make myself a whole person with alcohol.
I smile more and cry less. My life doesn’t feel like a mess. lol I did not mean for that to rhyme.
Today I took a 60$ lyft ride to a doctor’s appointment with an MHMR psychiatrist. I thought I would get put on the medication today but I had to have another screening to make sure I qualify. The lucky part is that I was moved to a new location that is so close to me and instead of having to wait months to get an appointment, I get to go on friday. This might actually be another screening where they ask me a million questions and that is no fun. But I am getting close and it is a small price to pay for free medical help that I need.
Check out my post- I am getting mental help
Almost ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I took the meds for a little more than a year but I stopped taking them because they changed them up after my dad killed himself. It was not the right combination and I hallucinated. But now I am ready to try again because I don’t want to be sad anymore. And it has been ten years of medicine testing and advancements in technology.
I am such a positive person that most days I can force myself to be happy but some days this darkness attacks my heart. I don’t want to take the road my dad did, I want to fight.
I don’t feel weak for getting help, I feel strong for not giving up. I held down a job for ten years and that is something to be proud of for a bipolar person. This is a sensitive subject for me, I have tried to hide it and never speak of it.This blog post was not easy to write. I have denied it to my core for years but you can’t run forever.
It is time to get help. I assume I will be taking 12 pills a day and having crazy side affects but I know it will be worth it and I know my dad would be proud of me.