Omg it is so amazing to have my smile back. I am a new person and it feeels so awesome. When Bill first showed me what I looked like with the new teeth in. I just cried and cried lol. I can not wait to see the vlog video they put together with the footage of my makeover.
I have really been a negative Nancy this last month. I don’t want that to be what my blog is about. I just wanted to be honest about myself a little. But my blog is going to have some way more positive posts very soon.
Positive posts coming up –
- I will be shaving my head June/2018
- Merry Christmas posts
- going to school August 2018
- Updates to Metal Help
- smile make over
- quitting smoking
Most negative posts from dark November
I am just so ready to have a positive outlook on life on and be working hard towards a bright future.
I am really feeling the pressure eeech. I am just not sure how this is going to go. omg I can not belive it is only 4 hours. I made the moment I quit at 12 tonight, so I am going to count it down like its New Years eve.
At first this seemed like nothing when it was a week away but know I am getting scared. I think I am not scared to quit I am just scared to feel sad but I am now on some meds that should help with that yay. I know it is going to be rough like seriously rough but I am not going to back out. You don’t quit something you have done for 14 years without a rocky phase and I am saying lets do this. It is time. My heart is beating hard and my palms are sweaty. This is going to sting a lot
I am quitting smoking in 5 days. I am using an e-cig, so really I am quitting tobacco.
I am going to write a post every day everyday talking about quitting because I really want to do it this time.
I am using an e-cig to quit smoking cigarettes on Saturday December 9th.
I have wanted to quit smoking cigarettes for so long. I have felt such shame about smoking and tried to quit so many times. Everytime I have tried to quit, I have failed miserably and then feel so down about it.
I have been smoking for 14 years. I started when I was 18 and have smoked the same amount like clockwork since I started.
I am getting a ton of help this time. I am going to meetings and using nicotine replacement therapy. And of course I am going to be using an e-cig which I think I might need forever but at a 0% level of nicotine.
I am telling you because I read that the more you tell people you are quitting, the more your chances of succeeding go up. I am ready to do this, I am ready to be tabaco free.
I just found out I am unable to get any school loans. The reason is because I went to school to be a medical assistant and still owe school loans.
I am probably like everyone else who owes school loans. Except I still work in fast food and make about fifteen thousand a year. I heard today I still owe sixteen thousand dollars.
It has been almost ten years since this loan took a turn for the worst. I was young and stupid and should have worked towards taking care of it. I did always take care of myself and no one ever supported me financially. I just never was good with a budget
This news was just absolutely devastating to me. As you can see in the picture from yesterday I was down for a minute. I could not belive with all the interest, it is that high.
But now I have a goal and I won’t stop. I found a career in Graphic design that is perfect for me. I am going to work hard and raise whatever money I need to go back to school. It is so on like donkey kong.
In 2008 I went to school to become a Medical Assistant. I struggled hard and barely graduated. But I just could not find a job in this field.
I know being bipolar and dyslexic did not help but really I just did not fit in. I am just a nerd and awkward. It is just not the career choice for me.
The school I went to ( and am not going to say the name) actually got sued for not helping people find a job.
I learned so much about the human body ans how to take care of myself or anyone that is hurt. The only down side is that I still owe school loans that are in default.
I felt so bad for so long because I never did anything with this degree but this was not the right career for me. And sometimes you have to put the past in the past. You can’t feel bad forever.
Today I took a 60$ lyft ride to a doctor’s appointment with an MHMR psychiatrist. I thought I would get put on the medication today but I had to have another screening to make sure I qualify. The lucky part is that I was moved to a new location that is so close to me and instead of having to wait months to get an appointment, I get to go on friday. This might actually be another screening where they ask me a million questions and that is no fun. But I am getting close and it is a small price to pay for free medical help that I need.
Check out my post- I am getting mental help
You might think this is childish or outlandish but I have a way more important reason from saying it. I used to say oh my god for everything and I mean ev-ver-ree-thing. For years I was unaware of how some people could be offended by saying oh my god in a sense of something shocking or exciting happen and not to call on god. So I started saying oh my goodness instead and that turned into OMG. I don’t want to hurt anyone and if something I am saying hurts an entire culture then I am going to do everything in my power to stop saying it. The n-word and the c-word are 2 examples of words I do not want to use because I do not want to hurt anyone. You might think that this is stupid became it is only a word and honestly I will never change myself but if I am hurting someone, I will always change to stop hurting someone.
I WILL NEVER CHANGE MYSELF BUT IF I AM HURTING SOMEONE I WILL ALWAYS CHANGE
Almost ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I took the meds for a little more than a year but I stopped taking them because they changed them up after my dad killed himself. It was not the right combination and I hallucinated. But now I am ready to try again because I don’t want to be sad anymore. And it has been ten years of medicine testing and advancements in technology.
I am such a positive person that most days I can force myself to be happy but some days this darkness attacks my heart. I don’t want to take the road my dad did, I want to fight.
I don’t feel weak for getting help, I feel strong for not giving up. I held down a job for ten years and that is something to be proud of for a bipolar person. This is a sensitive subject for me, I have tried to hide it and never speak of it.This blog post was not easy to write. I have denied it to my core for years but you can’t run forever.
It is time to get help. I assume I will be taking 12 pills a day and having crazy side affects but I know it will be worth it and I know my dad would be proud of me.